ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Change yourself
They want a different
Kind of words.
Kill your spirit
Create a blind one
So you can live
An empty life.
Follow orders
Without ask
They don’t care
Who smile or die.
Be happy only if
A black eye watch
The joy has limits.
Erase the memories
Of your “dark” past
When you had
The control.
Out of the shadows
Now you are
But you abandoned
Your whole mind.
They want a different
Kind of words.
Kill your spirit
Create a blind one
So you can live
An empty life.
Follow orders
Without ask
They don’t care
Who smile or die.
Be happy only if
A black eye watch
The joy has limits.
Erase the memories
Of your “dark” past
When you had
The control.
Out of the shadows
Now you are
But you abandoned
Your whole mind.
© 2014 - 2024 St-Rhye
Comments15
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
This one is pretty nice but I feel it's the weakest of the three I had to critique here. Solely based off the fact that this subject matter has been done countless times. I'm not saying your wording is bad it's just that if you're going to tackle something that is already so prominent then you have to really grab people's attention with it.
The stanza:
Erase the memories
Of your “dark” past
When you had
The control.
Is kind of a good example for what I want to say next. There are parts that have very good wording and parts that are a bit generic in their wording. The first two lines to me personally are kind of generic and I understand what it's trying to convey but it doesn't have that same kind of punctual impact that the last two lines in that stanza have. I hope this helped!
The stanza:
Erase the memories
Of your “dark” past
When you had
The control.
Is kind of a good example for what I want to say next. There are parts that have very good wording and parts that are a bit generic in their wording. The first two lines to me personally are kind of generic and I understand what it's trying to convey but it doesn't have that same kind of punctual impact that the last two lines in that stanza have. I hope this helped!